Advice for coping this Christmas

How are you doing this December?

We know that it’s meant to be ‘the most wonderful time of the year’, but when you’re struggling with infertility or loss, there’s nothing quite like being surrounded by other people’s joy for highlighting your own sadness, grief and disappointment…

Christmas time can also be a season that’s full of unhelpful expectations - both our own, and those of family, friends and loved ones.

So this December, we want to remind everyone in this community that it’s okay not to be okay. You have permission to be exactly where you are, to feel however you feel, and to opt in or out of festive activities as much as you need to this year.

Below are a few extra little tips from our team that might help:

1. Remember that it’s okay not to be okay.

Perhaps everyone around you is getting festive, but you’re finding it difficult to summon up any real joy in this season. But remember that it's okay to feel sad, flat, disappointed, angry, or any other emotions you may be feeling. Even at Christmas.

What you're experiencing is not your fault, so you don’t need to apologise or feel guilty if you’re not in the party mood. It’s important to be real about where you are right now - so try to be honest with those around you.

2. Lower your expectations.

December is a month that’s usually pretty full of festive activities, parties and gatherings - from wreath-making classes to work nights out, and from trips to the christmas markets, to festive meals with friends… but you might just find that you need to lower your expectations about how much you can commit to this year.

Be realistic about what you can manage. Don’t be afraid to slow down, to take on fewer commitments and to make sure that you pace yourself well, as you continue to process what you are going through. Grief can be really tiring.

3. It’s okay to say no.

Know that you also have permission to simply say 'no' to certain parties and events altogether - whether that’s a family gathering after your sister has just announced her third baby, or a panto trip with your best friend’s kids!

Don't worry too much about disappointing friends or loved ones down - even if it means pulling out last minute just because you’re having a bad day. The people who love you will understand if you simply explain that you’re just not feeling up to it.

4. You have permission to be selfish.

Often Christmas comes with lots of expectations from different family, friends and loved ones. But this year, your first priority should be looking after you and your partner as you navigate this difficult time together. So right at the outset on this season, give yourself permission to be a bit selfish - and do whatever makes most sense for you. That might just mean opting out of some family traditions this year, but it could also mean hopping on a flight abroad an avoiding it altogether!

Remember: Life won’t always be like this forever more, but this year you do need to be kind to yourself, to avoid situations that feel very triggering, and practice lots of good self care.

5. It’s healthy to remember

If you’ve had a pregnancy or baby loss at any stage, you may also want to mark and remember that experience at this time of the year. And even if other people around you think that it’s a bit morbid or don’t fully understand your motives, be reassured that remembering your loss is a healthy part of processing your grief.

So whether that's hanging a little baby memory or ornament on the tree, laying out an extra stocking over the fire place, or something else entirely, if you have the desire to create that memory - then do it. You could even turn it into an annual tradition.

6. It’s okay to be okay too.

As much as we’ve said that it’s okay to not be okay over Christmas - please know that the reverse is also true. Grief is complex and layered, and it’s rarely a linear process, so having both good days and bad days is really normal.

That means if you happen to be having some good days over the Christmas period, or are even enjoying the distractions and busyness of the season - then go with it! There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to process your grief.

And the very last thing you need to feel is guilty about feeling okay…