Lydia Costin works as a student Mentor. She lives in Birmingham with her husband Manny, and three children Joseph, Jesse and Judah (she likes the ‘J’ names!) and they also have four angel babies from recurrent miscarriage.

I knew of people who had miscarriages and had heard people talk about it. I even knew the stat that “1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage” but I never expected to experience it myself.

I got pregnant with my first son within two months of trying, and although I did have some early bleeding Joseph (Joe) was born in September 2014. Me and my husband didn’t want to leave it too long to have another, so we decided to start trying again a couple of years later, and again I got pregnant within two months with Jesse who was born in September 2017. 

I had always wanted three children, but my husband wasn’t so sure so we agreed to wait for a while after number two. But then in February 2019 I fell pregnant, and it was a complete shock! We had been careful, yet here we were! Unfortunately, I miscarried that pregnancy not long after our positive pregnancy test result. If I’m honest, I didn’t dwell too much on the loss though. In a way, I felt guilty for feeling sadness about it - especially with it being unplanned and so early.

After many long discussions, me and my husband agreed to the idea of trying again for a third and I finally fell pregnant again in March 2020. I felt so optimistic about it. The first weeks flew by, and before I knew it I was on my way to the hospital for my 12 week scan. It was during Covid so I went to the appointment alone, and the hospital was so eerie and quiet. Still, I was so excited to see my baby and was pleased to be the first scan of the day. I can remember vividly the first look at my baby, but instantly I knew something was wrong. It wasn’t like my previous scans because the baby was motionless and the room was so quiet, it was deafening. I waited for the sonographer to speak, and then came those painful words “I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat”.

I felt my world come crashing down. Only a moment ago, I was having a baby - but now suddenly I was not. I was quickly ushered into another room where a lovely midwife talked about the next steps for me. I can honestly say I don’t really recall anything she said though in those moments, I have never been so desperate to leave a place in my entire life! And I couldn’t wait to get past the now rather busy waiting room of pregnant women. 

I birthed Sonny (as we named him) just a few days later, and it was such a strange feeling seeing his little body and wondering “why?”. The grief felt unbearable, and trying to get back to “normal” just seemed impossible. 

After losing Sonny, my body appeared to have changed and I bled irregularly for almost two years - with no reason found for why. I saw many different doctors and even paid to see a specialist fertility clinic, but even after various tests, still no cause for my bleeding could be found. 

Following that long and unexplained period of irregular bleeding, I had pretty much given up hope of ever having another baby. However in February 2023, I found out I was pregnant again - only to lose that baby a week later too.  A few months later, and I was pregnant again and this time, I knew only too well how wrong it could go so I had mentally prepared myself for the worst. When me and my husband went along to the 12 week scan, I was so scared and shaking before going into the scan room, but this time the baby was moving there was a heartbeat… and I felt like I could breathe again . Things seemed to be going well.

Even so, sadly three weeks later I woke up bleeding and so I went to get an urgent reassurance scan - only to be told that our baby had died when I did. I just felt so numb and angry that it had happened again! I was mad with myself for allowing a bit of hope to have entered my mind that for thinking that just maybe it might work out this time. I was beginning to feel like a “pro” at miscarriage and starting to accept that I would never again be able to have a healthy pregnancy.

Even those around me at this point had stopped telling me that they were hopeful for me to have a healthy baby, or that they were even praying or hoping for this. After 4 miscarriages in a row I had definitely entered the recurrent loss category and I don’t think many of my family or friends could honestly say they wanted me to try again. It was too traumatic and I had truly given up and just felt my heart couldn’t take anymore… 

Fast forward to right now, and I’m sat with my 10 week old son, Judah here. I still can’t quite believe that he’s here and he made it after everything. I spent the whole pregnancy believing that he wouldn’t and preparing for the worst to happen. Pregnancy after loss is just a very hard journey. In fact, when I first found out I was pregnant with Judah, I honestly wasn’t even happy because I couldn’t allow myself to hope that this pregnancy would be different. I just spent most of it pretending I wasn’t pregnant as a way of protecting myself. 

Of course, having Judah doesn’t mean that the grief over losses goes away. There are still 4 shadows in my family portrait of the babies that should have or could have been, and that’s still painful. But Judah is a reminder of how sometimes miracles can and do happen - when we least expect them, and in ways we didn’t ever imagine. 

As a Christian miscarriage really challenged my faith for several years too. I battled with whether God was actually good and if He was, then why was he allowing this to happen in my life? I was so mad with God, and about what was happening, and for some time I felt like I just couldn’t pray. However, despite all my unanswered questions I did feel God’s presence and a strange inner peace in spite of everything. I had a knowing that somehow God knew everything and that He was feeling as heartbroken as I was - after all, who would know better about losing a child than God who gave up his only son to die on a cross? 

If you can relate to any of my recurrent miscarriage story, I want to say that it’s ok to be not ok and that there is no right or wrong when it comes to processing grief. Everyone is unique . We all do things differently. I’m sure right now, you’re probably sat there thinking “Oh but it’s easy for you - your story ended with a baby”. And I get that, because I used to feel that way towards others too, but actually what I have realised is that having another baby after losses doesn’t take away the losses as I always thought it would.

I still struggle with baby announcements. I still have moments daily when I think of the babies that aren’t here and wonder ‘what if?’. I still have times when my heart still aches for them. And if I’m honest, nobody is more surprised about Judah’s birth than me because I could never in a million years have believed that he would be here!!! 

Please be kind to yourself and get help and support in whatever ways work for you. I had counselling which was really helpful, and I would often visit the Space website to read people’s stories and attend sessions which helped comfort me.