Becky Okereafor is a Occupational Therapist in the NHS, and a mum of two from Wirral.

Miscarrying during a pandemic

Hi, I’m Becky. I’m a sister, wife, daughter, friend, christian, mum of two and I work as an Occupational Therapist (OT) in neuro rehab in the NHS. And last year I had a miscarriage.

It happened in February 2020. I was about 8 weeks pregnant at the time and woke up in the night with bleeding, which continued. After managing it at home, I was referred to the early pregnancy unit for a scan the following day to check what was going on.

The wait for this was just so hard, even though my husband Martin was with me through it all. I just felt so sure I was having a miscarriage, and later that day an internal scan confirmed it.

There was no longer any evidence of a pregnancy at all.

Feeling lost in the aftermath

I felt so lost in the aftermath of my miscarriage. I spent some time with family and with my son, who was 2 at the time. Having him was such a comfort to me, it was like he sensed I was sad and gave me lots of cuddles.

I took some time off work to recover, and over those two weeks it felt like I just went through the motions of daily life - looking after my son, and trying to take it easy on myself.

As well as still experiencing the physical symptoms, there was also all the tiredness and waves of emotions such as shock, grief and disappointment to contend with.

One of hardest things about the loss was all the physical reminders I kept seeing around me - it’s not just what your body goes through, but also things like the letter that I had at home with the date, hitting the date I should have been having my 12 week scan, and all the baby items I knew I still had in the loft.

How I processed the grief

I found it really helpful to message friends who I knew had gone through miscarriage for support. It helped that they understood, and could give me some advice from their own experiences.

I also wanted to do something creative and make something that I could keep as a memory, so I planted a flower in the garden and sewed a hanging heart for my room.

I worried a lot about going back to normal; to things like work, church, and social situations and wondered how I would cope being around other pregnant people and babies; and it was difficult.

I was especially worried about going back to work since I work in the same NHS hospital that I had to go for the scan, and I felt that it would be a daily reminder of the pain and disappointment. But although I did feel very sad at times, I also found the routine, busyness and being around other people who didn’t know also helped me move forwards too.

Also, because I returned to work just as all the news of the coronavirus pandemic was emerging, all the anticipation and planning for what was ahead for us as hospital staff ended up being a huge focus.

Since I only work part-time, I found that on the days when I was off with my little boy I probably thought more about what I had lost. Also, the reality of being in and out of lockdowns over the months that followed meant that outside of work there was not so much to distract me.

The decision to try again…

When we decided to try again later that year, we felt hopeful but also quite worried. I think this is to be expected after a loss, but trying again during a pandemic was an added anxiety.

We did become pregnant again and although we felt happy, I think we both felt that we didn’t want to get too carried away with the idea too soon. We struggled to accept it, and only told very close family and a couple of friends at first.

When it came to our 12 week scan, it was the most nerve-racking morning ever! COVID restrictions in the hospital at the time dictated that I had to go for the scan on my own. It seemed like such a long wait, and it was really difficult for my husband as he had to stay in the car the whole time too!

Being able to have the physical picture which reassured us that our baby was there and ok was such a real relief. It still took us a bit longer to share our news more publicly, but as the weeks went by we started to relax and finally feel able to enjoy the pregnancy more.

Reflecting back

It was a totally different experience being pregnant during a pandemic, and we were actually in the third lockdown when my daughter Emily was finally born. She is almost 5 months now, and we have returned to some kind of normality finally.

Having another baby after a miscarriage has definitely helped me to heal from the loss, and I am so thankful that we were able to go on and have another child because I know not everyone does.

It is only recently that I have been reflecting more on my miscarriage, since hearing of others close to me going through it too, and also being asked to write my story here too. It has made me realise that sharing my experiences with others has helped with the healing process.

Going through this experience made me realise I’m much stronger than I think. Prior to this experience, if someone had told me this was going to happen to me I wouldn’t have thought I would cope very well.

It has also taught me how important my family, my faith, my friendships, and community around me are - especially during the past year, keeping connected through messages and video calls has never felt more important.

I’m so grateful that I didn’t have to carry this all on my own.